Monday, March 27, 2006

Article in NY Post Exposes Tucker Max As A Douchebag

I discovered an article in today's NY Post that makes Tucker Max look like the douchebag he is. Apparently some woman who writes for the NY Post met him for an interview and he acted like a complete idiot. Check it out (I especially like the part where she criticizes his appearance):


March 27, 2006 -- TUCKER Max does not perform oral sex. He doesn't care if a woman has an orgasm with him. I know this because his online "Tucker Max Hook-Up Application" comes with a disclaimer: "I define my success in bed by my happiness, not yours."

Max, 30, is an Internet impresario and author of "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell." Two weeks ago, he moved from Chicago to Manhattan. He's Hale-Bopp to a generation of narcissistic cynics, ages 18-35, who kneel before their laptops every time he posts on his Web site a new short story or blog about his unconscionable antics.

Seventy percent of his 50,000 to 75,000 daily users are men. He offers them a vicarious joy ride through an unleashed male id, the highlights being alcohol-poisoning-be-damned, bareback sex.

"Cool guys identify with Tucker's escapades," said Alan Philips, 26, a New York event planner. "Losers look up to him. He's a real-life Will Ferrell in 'Wedding Crashers.' Tucker gives you all the fun without the consequences."

Although it's understandable why guys idolize this developmentally arrested XY creature, why are a third of his fans women? More shockingly, he claims to receive up to 12 e-mails a day from women soliciting sex from him.

I had to figure it out. How did Max make the fairer sex swoon?

The opportunity presented itself on March 14 when he posted a request for a woman to do his laundry. In exchange, he offered "free books, dinner, sex," pointing out that hooking up was a good way to pass the time between loads.

"I don't know you but I want to be your laundress," I said over the phone.

"You've got it ass backwards," he sneered. "You've got to first know Tucker Max to get why you should do his laundry. Let's hang out."

A few nights later, I rang the buzzer of his third-floor, Flatiron District walk-up, a box of Tide in hand. I wanted to be prepared for anything, from separating his whites from his colors to slipping between his sheets.

"You're too late," he said, grabbing the detergent, putting it inside the doorway. "I already got some girl to do it. I want a beer."

I was stunned - not because I'd been scooped or by his gruffness. Max's pale, bloated face and flabby body were a far cry from the stud pictured on his Web site. He seemed shorter than his supposed 6 feet, smelled like a locker room and had a fleshy mole on his right nostril. Wearing baggy jeans, a gray tee and a black nylon, zip-front jacket, he looked like a convenience-mart cashier, sans the Redman chewing tobacco hat.

He led the way to Live Bait (ha!) where he paid for my ginger ale and expressed concern that I might get chilly because we were sitting on bar stools by the door. Was this personality shift from cad to gentleman his taming of the shrew?

Nah, that would be giving him too much credit.

"The ultimate strategy is no strategy," he explained when I asked what made him a lady-slayer. "In the 'Five Rings', Mushashi says that when a good strategist reaches the apex of his skill, it's fluid. You have to learn everything about everything and then apply what you know to the situation."

I had no idea what he was talking about.

He started blowing his nose into paper napkins, chucking them into his half-eaten buffalo chicken salad.

"You're making me sick," I pointed out.

He tossed a snotty napkin between my breasts.

"WHAT WOMAN WOULD EVER WANT YOU?!!!!!!!!!!" I cried.

Belching, he flipped open his cell, called a 21-year-old New York college student he'd recently slept with and handed me the phone.

"I'd been reading his site for three years and e-mailed him," she recounted. "I knew it would be casual sex. For me, he's the equivalent to Motley Crue in the '80s. Tucker's my idol. He's a genius. There's deeper meaning to his stories. I spent the night at his place. I expected him to be mean, but he picked up the bar tab and drove me to school the next morning, so he was nice."

I'm not the most discriminating of women when it comes to men, but this chick's standards were abysmally low.

"Was he at least good in bed?" I asked.

"He's very aggressive - hair pulling, biting; I had a bruise on my arm for days. It's the whole alpha- male thing. The fact that he says he's slept with hundreds of women makes him very attractive."

Back at Max's apartment, he let me check his e-mails. His inbox didn't lie.

"I don't get it," I said. "You're an overgrown frat boy with an average-size penis, as you described it. You offer a woman nothing."

"Eight times out of 10, if you come to my Web site to have sex with me, there's something broken about you," Max answered, finally decoding the mystery.

He was no different from an old school bad boy, except he promoted his reputation by way of modem. Insecure women with a classic "bottom" mentality couldn't resist - even took pride in - being the object of his condescension and abuse. To justify the degradation, they convinced themselves that bedding him was actually a coup. I bet a few had stolen a dirty sock from his wash as a souvenir.

Tucker Max was right. I had to know him first to understand why a woman would want to do his laundry. Clearly, I wasn't one of them. I left the unopened box of Tide behind.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Picture of Tucker Max and Girlfriend?

A few weeks ago I found this picture of Tucker Max on Cloud Starchaser's blog. According to Cloud, the woman with Max is his girlfriend. Can anyone verify this for me?

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

A Frightened Tucker Max Runs Away From A Fight

Apparently the infamous shithead Tucker Max was being a dick (as usual) when he visited the University of Pittsburg to sign copies of his "book." Supposedly a student named "Will Powers" (shown in the picture on the right) almost got in a fight - Max was being a little bitch and weakly pushed Powers in an effort to intimidate Powers. Powers shoved Max back, almost knocking him over and then challenged Max to a fight right then and there. Max, being the complete pussy he is, apparently ran away like a scared little pansy. I guess Max was afraid he was finally going to get the good ass-whipping he deserves.

Here's the story of the confrontation as posted by Powers on some website:

Well, I said I was gonna interview tucker, then go to boomerangs and write an article on what the guy is really like. I have to say, he's pretty much what he puts himself out there as, a huge asshole.

When you read the article, you'll note that tucker puts words in the mouth of tattoo girl like crazy. What doesnt make sense, is that tattoo girl posted this on tuckers forums. "You're just pissed that Tucker and I both got pussy last night and you didn't. Pitt didn't suck; that Will kid from last night made the entire tour."

This is my reply to what tucker max posted on his site. Take it for what its worth. Those of you who know me know my personality and the kind of things I say. If you choose to believe this as the real event or not, here was my experience with tucker max.

Highlights include tucker thanking [my site] for promoting him, failing to finish a shot and throwing half away, and tucker bitching out to me on mckee st when I tried to fight him. If anyone who reads this has ever met me. What do I do when people start shit with me? Back down? Have you ever known me to be anything other than the loud, cocky and outright prick that I am? No. Tucker ran into a house scared as he didnt wanna get bitched up. I highly suggest if you dont have a lot of time READ THE END

So this all started when matt emailed tucker hearing he was coming up for a book signing, matt never got around to the interview and so I called tucker on his cell to do a phone interview. Overall I'd say the guy was pretty cool. He was really appreciatve of the fact that [my site] had been promoting his visit, and told me to come to the signing and the bar to talk more if I wanted, so I did.

I showed up at the book signing and introduced myself, "Hi, tucker, I'm will, I"m the guy that did the phone interview. "Nice to meet you man! Thanks for the PR, here, take a seat." At this point, tucker motions for me to sit next to tatoo girl, while he signs matt's book. Matt couldnt be there as he was hospitalized as I explained. While I sat there, numerous members [of my site] came up, said "hey will" and then got their books signed. This was apparent to tucker I'm sure.

This is tuckers quote of that meeting, "Hey Tucker, I'm TheDouche, the guy who interviewed you for my miniscule website that I won't shut the fuck up about. Let me tell you about how important I am."

Sound like a guy who'd invite me to sit down and chill?

So anyways, during this time, about all we talked about was tucker, as you'd expect. I asked him a number of questions. During it, I Didnt understand a reference a kid made about a story that had been posted during the day. Tucker showed me the story on his wireless laptop. I showed him [my site], which he commented had "a real professional setup" "thats an awesome amount of people for a regional site" and "thanks for putting that up for me". I of course was like, "no problem at all". This is tuckers side of the story:

"Alright, those were not even close to his exact words, but that is pretty much what happened over the 45 minutes; this dude would not stop talking about himself and how much he meant to Pitt and its student body and how much he had helped promote me and blah, blah, blah. Whatever, I am kinda used to this so I just ignored him. "

Before he handed me the book, I got a phone call from my mom. Tucker was asking me a question about [my site], and I told him to hold on, my mom was on the phone. I held up finger showing him to wait, then told my mom what I was doing. This is tuckers side of the story:

Tucker "Hey man, what is your-" and he cut me off. The motherfucker had his phone in his hand and was about to dial someone, and literally held his finger up to me in a "wait a second" gesture.

"By no means am I insinuating that I am such a star that I take priority over everything; it was more the way he did it, as if to say "I'm so imporant, you have to wait for me." It was a display of assclownery the likes of which I have never seen before. Mike looked at me in stunned disbelief and said, "What the fuck is going on?" I should have known what was coming next, but not even I could predict what a tool he really was. "

So anyways, I leave the book signing and go to my SGB meeting, after the meeting, I go down to boomerangs to chill and drink with this prick so that I can bring this story to you. I was wearing my brown abercrombie jacket from 10th grade, a green turtleneck, and my bookbag, as I'd never gone home. Tucker starts talking about all these beer nonsense, and claims budwiser is 7% alcohol. This is wrong, its 5%, I correct him, he gets real pissy. At this point, a kid buys tucker a irish car bomb. Tucker tries to drink it, but only manages about half. In a panic, he throws the cup in a nearby trash can. I call him out on it,

"dude, you're tucker max, you cant just throw half that shit away, that guy bought it for you, thats rude". "Fuck you kid, I can do whatever I want, I"m tucker max."

Notably, tucker didnt include this into his blog.

So the night goes on, and tatoo girl realizes I'm friends with a particularly hot lesbian, and asks me to bring her to boomerangs. I oblige, and she shows up. This doesnt please tucker very much, as earlier he'd been bragging about how he planned out a 3 some with tattoo girl and piss girl for later that night. Clearly tattoo girl wasnt going to add a "twice" onto her tattoo.

But enough of this sillyness, the hot lesbian arrived at this point, and henceforth, everything I say can be confirmed by her. The following parts of tuckers story are either totally made up, or heavily modified.

1. After I asked tucker about what he used to host his site, and he replied with "movable text" The topic of [my site] was never brought up again.

2. Tucker doesnt like being called tucky, tyler, travis, or "arent you 30 now old man?" In fact he doesnt like anyone who detracts from his star status.

3. I did call my seat as reserved, I said "fives" not "holdsies" and some motherfucker sat in it anyways.

4. I told tattoo girl that I was going the same direction as she was as she lives on mckee, but that I wasnt going back with them, just happened to be walking the same way. She agreed this was wise, as tucker and I had been throwing insults back and forth for the past hour.

5. My friend works at hemmingways, apparently tucker was so horrible to the people in the bar that came to meet him, they left and went there howling about it.

6. Gorrila guy, the dude who was supposedly thrown out after buying everyone shots, only bought tucker something, an irish car bomb, which tucker failed to finish, nice coverup tmax.

5. While walking down forbes, I passed tucker and his entourage. Tucker walks slow, he kind of has a chubby belly to be honest. AT this point he says to me, "dude, what the fuck do you think you're doing". I replied that I lived at the end of mckee st, and I'd be going the same way as them until then, and that I wasnt trying to stop tucker from fucking those girls.

At this point, I Want to quote his site, as its actually partially true here.

Tucker "Why are you following us you fucking dork? You're worse than herpes. Get the fuck out of here. Now."
TheDouche "Whatever, two of those three girls are my friends, I can go with them."
Tucker "They are? OK, Marsha, is he your friend?
Marsha "Uhh...I met him at a party once."
Tucker "Is he your friend?"
Marsha "Uhh....he is an acquaintance, I guess."
Tucker "You fucking loser, this girl won't even claim you as a friend. Go away you fucking leech, before I end you."
TheDouche "Whatever, they are my friends, I can stay if I want."
Tucker "Are you a fucking fag? Do you want to watch me fuck these girls, you fucking fag? Better yet, do you want to fuck me? What the fuck do you want?"

Tucker never said any of it, I did say that two of the girls were my friends. The lesbian is one of my best friends, the other girl I Really dont know that well, I just grouped her as a friend to be polite, I was hoping she would have an alternative to fucking this piece of slime. Oh, and tucker isnt as hard as he's quoted, he didnt say any of the last two lines, nor did I.

At this point, what happened is completely true, tucker dared me to stop the girls from fucking him, I took the bet, and in the long run, was only half successful. The lesbian and tattoo girl didnt fuck tucker, however, the big titted slutty girl did. I asked her "hun, please dont fuck this piece of slime, he just dared me that I couldnt convince you to not fuck him, you're a bet, I cant believe you'd want to do him." Her reply, "I"m sorry Will, I want to do this, I came out tonight with the intention of fucking tucker max, and I"m going to".

So here, tucker victorious, starts yelling, "I"m the king, you cant stop me" and other such statements, and we're pretty much in front of tattoo girls house on mckee now. Here is where it got interesting. Tucker turns around and faces me, insists that all night he has been secretly mocking me. Thing is, he wasnt, he mocked me to my face, and when I gave him shit back, he didnt handle it real well. Like I've stated before, anything that tarnishes the image of "tucker max" isnt something he's fond of. So anyways, this is what tucker claims happened at that moment.

"Tucler "Do you realize what a fucking tool you are? Do you not know that EVERYONE in the bar was mocking you the whole fucking time you were there?"
TheDouche "Whatever.".
Tucker "You don't believe me? TattooGirl, who was everyone in the bar making fun of?
TattooGirl "Him."
Tucker "Marsha, who is the biggest tool at Pitt?"
Marsha "Him."
TheDouche "You are a fucking loser. Go away."

We start walking into TattooGirl's place, when TheDouche starts wailing, "WHATEVER, JUST GO FUCK ALL OF THEM. GO FUCK TUCKER MAX."

Is this guy serious? I stormed over and got right in his face, "Turn around right now and leave before I hit you in the fucking mouth. NOW."

Without saying a word, utter defeat in his eyes, TheDouche turned and walked away. I won't even make a joke like "He went home and kicked his dog," because he's too much of a pussy to even do that. "

Thing is, thats not what happened at all. Tucker did claim the whole bar was mocking me, to tell you the truth, I wouldnt really be able to know that, though if they were, they did it pretty covertly. But I digress, at this point tucker pushed me. Seriously, pushed me. Maybe he was drunk I dunno, but I stepped up, and jacked him up in the chest as he'd just done to me, but not in a pussy fashion. Tucker almost fell, but to his credit did not. I stated "Lets go tucker, come on, lets go right now". And let me tell you, tucker did go, he went the other way, he basically ran off and flipped me the bird while shouting insults. He got inside tattoo girls house about as fast as he could have, and that was that. I walked the rest of the way down mckee st home.

If you dont believe the first part of the story, thats fine, but I"ll have the lesbian get on [my site] soon and she can confirm everything I said after her arrival as total fact.

What have we learned here? Tucker max is just like marylin manson, or any other shock rocker. An image that has to be kept up for the public. If you still want to read his stories, enjoy them, they are pretty funny, but remember, despite what he says, if real names arent used, tucker can lie all he wants, like he just did.